If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
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You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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