peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
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