i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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