I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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