I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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