the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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