My cat gives me a boner
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
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You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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