I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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