did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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