can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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