i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
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You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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