I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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