Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Come on in and take your pants off
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