who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So. Much. Porn.
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