I faked an abortion last night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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