Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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