they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
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Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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