I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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