i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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