I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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