It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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