"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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