New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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