weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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