Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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