i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They have beer where we have blood.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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