I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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