Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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