Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
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We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
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Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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