I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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