It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize