To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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