I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
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Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize