I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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