is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
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I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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