the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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