Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize