Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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