dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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