I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
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My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
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I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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