I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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