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she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
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