Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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