i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
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I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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