Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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