So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
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There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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