he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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