My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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