We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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