So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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